Yeah that.

I knock on your door. The words "Its unlocked" come drifting out at me. Inside I am greeted with darkness and just enough candles to illuminate the trail of clothes beckoning me down the hallway. My blood pumps deep and hard as I follow your discarded clothing to the open bedroom door. I see only bare feet poking out from beneath the silk sheets. A sign I presume so I climb into bed at the feet and start slowly snaking my way upwards between your legs. ............

I got a great story, oh look something shiny!

In 1989 at Clark University phycologist conducted and experiment on how our own perception of ourselves can actually lead to boredom. I'd love to read the article but the authors or Clark University believe for some reason that you should pay for the paper. Fuck that. Knowledge needs to be let free. It hurts nothing. Free papers like that have the potential to better the world. Giving it away free would not hurt the university in the least bit. It will not give a person a degree. It could actually bring more traffic to the university. Time and time again it has been proven that giving something away for free is actually a very good marketing tactic. But I digress. Where was I going with that? I dunno. I came here to write now i have nothing to say. I'll try again when Im stoned i guess. See yah.

I should be asleep

I had a dream about us. It was another wonderful night in front of the fire. There we were naked and on the oft carpet covered in the warm of the fire. The plan was never lust but our craving for each other is obscene. It wasn't long before there was two fires in the room. One was lit with matches and the other was fueled by sweat and the intermingling of flesh and mind. A blast from the past this place was. Screen caps of Doug and that Dinosaur show and its not the momma catch phrase blanketed the wall. I never expected a book store slash beer bar that called itself The Bad Monkey to have icons from my childhood staring at me from the wall but there they were. I sat down at the mostly empty bar and asked the bartender for an IPA. He asked me which one, always a good sign, and i responded with my usual. "Surprise me." I'm way to indecisive so I generally just go with it. A short while later I had a Hardcore IPA by Brewdog sitting in front of me. I've had this before and told him as much but added that it was amazing and he would hear no complaints from me. I dealt with enough whiners at work and did not plan to take to the bar with me. All I wanted now was few pints and solem walk home back to my apartment. The barkeep told me to call him Lucky and said he would keep my glass full. I think Im going to like this place.

This is a title.

So nothing happened. And when I say nothing I mean various shit that you guys dont care about. And by you guys I mean no one because no one reads this anyways. I can tell because I've looked at the logs. But I digress. I dunno where I left off and Im far to lazy to look back so I will just let you know what is going on. First of I emailed the guy about the thing because it seemed they really wanted me but were taking far to long to tell me that. I got an email back almost immediately telling me that yeah they wanted me but I would have to move to Portland. The problem with that was that I just moved to bumfuck north east Oregon with my brother. At that point I was sort of lost. I told my brother that if he took a job here that I would move with him. He did not want to go alone. So now I'm here faced with a hard decision. Do I abandon my brother for a good job or do I tell them no I can't move. I called my dad for advice which I never do. I talked to a friend and I jerked of in the shower to relieve some stress. That last part was a lie. I jerked off because it is awesome not because of stress. Anyways the point was that I had some thinking to do and I did it. My brother is family and he should(and does) only want the best for me. He moved here for a better job so why should he be upset that I wanted to move for the same reason. I broached the subject to him and and everything went find. He wanted to have me around but said that this opportunity is to good to pass up. My brother is great by the way. My family is in general. I was in trouble and my mom helped me out crazy style. She also gave me money to have a break from some things because she knew i needed it. I would have been fine and I never asked for anything but she was there. It is the same with my dad. My dad is not legally my dad but he has been there for me as long as I can remember. He has never had anything but mine and my brother's best interests at heart. His methods got a bit fucked at times but his point has always been to protect or help or teach us. The other guy can get fucked by a jumbo jet for all I care. And my brother? I was in a rut. My life was a rock in the middle of no where. I was stuck. I think that maybe he saw that when he offered up Oregon to me. I was heading no where and fucked mentally and saw no purpose or path out of it. I was hitting closed doors or no doors everywhere I went. But he stepped up and said hey bro, I got this. He funded and for the moment is still funding our trek to Oregon. I wish everyone could have what I have. I have a few good friends and a great family that would put themselves in the dirt if they thought it would help. I hope someday I am able to help them. Actually I hope they all stay in good situations so I never have to but I would die for any of them. Anyways my brother was cool with me taking of for work. At first I was excited. My life was showing hints of change. A path started to emerge. But then I cried. People who know me know that I treat pets like family. My little buddy has been with me through all this shit. He can't help like family and friend can but he is my therapist and my friends. I cried because I could see no way that did not lead to me giving him to a stranger or worse yet a shelter. Im sure those people would have treated him just fine but he is my best friend and not theirs. After getting him I understood the homeless people with a dog that shadows them everywhere. They are simple creatures but they will follow you anywhere. That why dogs kick the shit out of cats. Cats may like you sometimes but your being used. A dog truly loves you. So you can see the pain i felt at the thought of having to abandon my friend. I might as well be giving up my mom or dad or brothers. But it looked like I had to. I had asked everyone I could. All that was left was the shelter or a stranger. But then one of my best friends and my ex girlfriend texted me. She told me that she had a plan and to relax. She had a cousin that could watch the dog and would give him to my friend when they moved to a bigger house. I wont say i cried but my vision got a little wonky :) I trusted her absolutely and I know my buddy would be fine. She would never do anything to hurt him and thinks of him just like I do. He is our family. And that brings us to now. Life is starting to move again. My patience(forced or not) looks to be paying off. For the moment the job is a trial thing but the outlook is good. I work hard and learn fast. I have my friends and family around if the shit go south again.I won't let it though. I got buried mentally in the Navy and i refuse to do that again. Now piss off I'm tired and there is a shit ton of stuff to do tomorrow. -roguemind

Wait to wait so you can wait some more.

What so special about waiting that everyone seems to think other people want to do it? I dont really understand this. You call up your insurance, you wait. Unemployment, you wait more than once depending on how many times you get transfered. Your bank? Yep you guess it, more waiting. Red lights, the check out, fast food, the doctor, moves that dont suck, a nice dinner, the car wash, a supposedly guaranteed job. People are obsessed with making us wait for shit. Even things that should happen fairly quickly like the last thing I mentioned. The job that everyone but me seems to know i've gotten. I guess the fact that everyone else thinks I have it is a good thing but shouldn't that make it easier to say "hey Chris, come to work on monday?". Nope. More god damned waiting. Not like I'd like to get off unemployment anyways. Seriously even if i don't have the job just tell me that so I can stop thinking its a sure thing. Oh well. If the Navy taught me anything it was how to wait and wait so I keep waiting. In other news, actually I dont think I have any other news. Not like anyone reads this anyways. See you around. I'll come back when something else doesn't happen. -roguemind

New Failures

So I have moved again. Im not sure how many people even know this blog exists let alone how many read it but I have now moved twice in the past year and a half. The cause behind the first move was expected and exciting. I left the Navy. After nine and half years I was finally done. I was not happy with the way I felt there. I was in a rut and was stagnating. Sure I could have sucked it up as the saying goes and stuck with it for another ten years so i could 'retire' fat, dumb, and happy. But Who wants the easy route? Especially when it makes indifferent to the state of your life. Who wants to live that way? Not this guy. So I took my GI Bill and ran back home to mommy like any well adjusted adult man child type should do. The Navy was a bit late on letting me know about the decent transition programs they have set up so a potentially useful program was render pointless. I was to late to have the VA prepped and and all they offer as far a job searching is concerned was a bunch of fluff and no real help. I signed up for the VA as soon as I was out but it took almost ten months to get a result and they are still not done. That doesn't seem right to me but I cannot change it so there you have it. Moving on. I left Connecticut with my girlfriend and her wonderful daughter and moved into one bedroom of my parents house while I looked for work and a cheap place to live. Looking back I suppose I should have saw this coming. The signs where probably there before I ever left. We were slowly disconnecting and morphing from and nice couple into just a few people hanging around each other. I still loved, and still do, the daughter but something had changed. Something had left us and showed no sign of coming back. I won't get into the details partly because I am not entirely certain of them but I will say it ended. There was a bit of a clusterfuck and some shitty opinions and unbelievable actions made by a third party. I should thank my youngest brother right here. He helped far more than he needed to and made things go a lot smoother. There was crying and sorrow and chaos. There was fear and worry. And then I helped them leave. A few tears later they were gone and there I was, a twenty-nine year old man, a ten year Navy veteran, a reasonably smart and creative person living at home with his parents collecting unemployment feeling down like I felt when I was a shy social anxiety swept teenager. I spent hours and hour daily hammering my way through the internet searching for work. I filled out and turned in countless numbers of applications. I sent my resume to everyone I could think of. I got two phone interviews and thats it. My resume was plenty strong for minimum wage and I do well enough in interviews. I've had plenty of practice at that in the Navy. Yet nothing worked and nothing continued to be me friend. Every day was another failure. My parents and my brothers and the couple friends I had there in Kentucky kept me half way sane but it was tough. I was beginning to consider going back in. Maybe I would try the Air force this time if they would have me. Then my brother told me he had been looking for work and had interviews scheduled in Oregon. He asked me if I would go with them if they offered him something good. At first I said no. Well I said maybe but probably not. The reason was I had a loose connection at the local hospital and it sounded like I was on my way to a great job and possible career there repairing equipment. But that fluff fizzled away in the wind. From the sound of things they had already had someone else in mind and posted the job anyways. Oh well, whats one more failure among a thousand? I told my brother that yes I would follow him to Oregon if he took a job there but he should know that unemployment barely pays my bills so if I go he has to be the bread winner and I have to be the house brother. At least until I find work which looked way more promising in Oregon. He agreed and off we went. Just to keep things interesting my Jeep's AC shit itself on the second to last day of the trip across the country. Yay. We made it though and quickly found a great little duplex in a tiny but creep nice now in between a couple of bigger towns. And basically that brings you, my dear non-existant readers, up to date. We've been here almost two weeks. I'm still searching and worry about when my unemployment runs out. But I like it here. I hope it works out. I had a brief starry eyes moment when I smashed and interview at a local lube shop but I've heard nothing yet. They sure are taking their time. Other then that it's more applications and "hey are you guys hiring?". There is one ray of light though and it gives me hope. I emailed a local brewpub asking if they needed help brewing. I told them I would volunteer my time while I was searching for work. The owner responded and put me in touch with the brewmaster. I will soon, I hope, be helping and learning the brewcraft under a pro. I suppose that could lead to something but I refuse to let my hopes wander to high. That reminds me. Today ,again I was forced to teeter on the edge of what the fuck is going to happen here. I call to request my bi-weekly benefits so I could keep paying the bills. Apparently its time for my review which is basically me listing the jobs I've applied for and the results. I apparently can't do the review from Oregon. So I called the local(Kentucky) office to see what I need to do. It sounds liked I just need to change my address but I'm not sure because I was transfer to a god damned voicemail. I left a message and am still waiting. Yay again. Tomorrow I'l get up early and call them up again to get some form of guidance. I'll also hand in another application to a company to ignore. I wish they would tell you right there when you walk in. "We're just going to set this on a desk somewhere and then forget about it." That way we can save the paper and not waste each other's time. Or maybe they love me. Who fucking knows? I'd pray for help but I stopped believing in fairy tales when I was a kid. Instead I guess I just smile when I turn in the application. -roguemind

Hello Again

I plan to try this blogging thing once more. I intend to publish mostly Atheist and religious type rants but may also include other bits of randomness like craft beer and home brewing articles or blogs I enjoy. There also may or may not be cursing and whining and moaning and boobs placed at random in some posts so if your faint in heart or easily offended you might want to fuck right off. I have included a diagram with further instructions. -roguemind

Im back.

Myspace has turned into only a place to mobsters. There is a great atheist & humanist following but there is to much to distract and to many people on there solely to talk trash. A person who wants to have a good discussion is rare on that site. So here I am. I may cross publish my posts here to myspace but i dont know for sure.
And in other news I am going to participate in this.
That is all for now.
-Me

To many.

I am paying to much attention to myspace right now. So again I will ignore this blog.

-Roguemind

I need a muse.

When it comes to writing, as in a story or narrative, My motivation is lost and will not come back. I am more than slightly perturbed about this. I love to write. I love to write almost as much as I love to read. Yet all that seems to flow out of my fingers as of late is reason after reason as to why I do not claim any religion and why you should avoid most of them. Do not get me wrong, I like writing about that also. It is just that I really do enjoy writing fiction. I am not that good at it, but i love to do it.
I originally intended this blog to be about religion and my thoughts on it. I am now starting to think that this will be a more creative outlet and that I will leave the religious, anti religious rather, outbursts to my space. There is already a strong group of people to feed off of it and there seems to be an abundance of ignorance to attack. That and myspace has a lot of good music. So this place shall now become my outlet for fiction and philosofiction. Philosofiction is a word i just made up right now. I plan to bury some of my philosophy about life inside of my writing. I don't know if that will work or not, but it is the plan.
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I will start you off with a story I started some time ago. I have no idea where it was going so don't bother asking. Also I am pretty much the complete opposite of an editor. You have been warned.

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Alan Greer By Chris M.

You could probably get away with calling me what ever your mind can think
of and I would be none the wiser. But if you insist on knowing my real name I will tell you. It is Alan Greer. I have middle name as well but its unimportant and kind of silly anyways. I am currently employed at the Bremerton branch of the Central Kitsap Library although I really have no business being here. I sort of bluffed my way into the job. I am shy but for some reason I do really well at interviews and on top of that I have a creative and sometimes quick imagination. The interview was short and the interviewer walked away thinking that I was a published poet and had a passion for reading along with four years of library experience. It was not all a lie. I did have a couple poems published when I was a kid in some stupid on line contest thing. I also do love to read and have been visiting libraries ever since I was a child. Just do not ask me a damm thing about the dewy decimal system. Luckily we have computers and databases and maps of the library around here or I would have probably been outed and have lost my job months ago. I can here you asking me why I did not just go out and work fast food like ever other twenty year old nobody who has no clue what he wants to do with his life. I did try that. It lasted about six months actually. I worked the grill at a local McDonald's.
I bust my ass making burgers and fries and scraping grease out from under and behind the stove. I probably still have scars from the grease burns. I was always cheerful and never said no when they asked me to stay late and close. I even cleaned the bathrooms once or twice. Then one Saturday morning around six AM I got a phone call from my manager. She wanted me to come in to work. I told her that I was pretty sure that it was my day off. She agreed of course and then started to batter me with “your a hard worker” speeches and tried to explain that in life sometimes things do not go according to schedule. My first thought was to hang up the phone. My second thought was not really a thought so much as it was an out pouring of blabbering about how I am the hardest worker she has and how I hope she missed me because I quit. I was then told that normally a two weeks notice is given for these sorts of things. I told her not to worry and that if she wanted she could keep paying me for two weeks but I still was not going to show up to scrape grease off the god damn grill for some stupid inspection anymore. Not only was that not going to happen but I also would not be showing up to work for her at all anymore. The next thing I heard was the date and time that I could show up to return my uniform and collect my last check. Then she hung up. As I put my phone back onto the receiver I thought that I probably should have been nicer to the poor lady. She was a decent person to work for and she tried her best to encourage people to take pride in what they do. But I was not nice. And at that point there was really nothing I could do about it. So I just rolled over and went back to bed. I decided that I would never work food service again. So that is the reason why I am now currently a book slinger at the local library. Despite me really having no idea about my job, it is not such a bad place to work. As I said before I really do enjoy reading and the people I work with are nice enough. It also gives me a chance to meet all sorts of different types of personalities. One of my past times is people watching and there is certainly no shortage of different sorts of people at a library. From the do it yourself mechanic to the junior college student trying to write a term paper on his impression of the philosophies of Camus. They are all here at one time or another. But I digress. I am trying to tell a story here and I ended up giving you my life history.
The library today has been busier then normal. A lot of students have been in and out all day.
Sundays are supposed to be relaxing not all active and lively. It is like every teacher in town told their student to to the library this weekend and find a good book to read and every single student waited till the last minute to go.
'Where can I find that one book by the guy who just died? The one about the war?'
Slaughter House Five I ask?
'Yeah Yeah I think thats it'
Kurt Vonnegut wrote it and yes he did just die. Try fiction. Most likely in the Vs. If you still have trouble finding it, go over there and type the book name in the computer terminal and it will tell you if it is available at any of our other branches. I tried to keep the sarcasm out of my voice but it was unavoidable. I get easily annoyed at people who do not understand alphabetical order and the difference between fiction and non-fiction. Don't they teach kids anything at school these days?
My god I sound like an old man. I am only twenty for Christ's sake. I was in school myself about five minutes ago.
I don't think she caught the sarcasm because she just politely thanked me and walked off towards the non-fiction section. I opened my mouth to try and correct her but was promptly cut off by what can only be described as a blizzard of books and glass and pencils and bits of paper and the loudest noise I have ever heard in my life. And then, life stopped for just a moment as if to allow me to see the flurry of knowledge falling into chaos. But the moment passed and time caught up with me. I found my self losing touch with gravity and taking flight towards the back wall. Despite the epic pandaemonium I still had a moment or two mid flight that gave my brain a chance to think one single thought. And for some strange reason that thought was me wondering weather or not that girl realized she was walking towards the wrong section of the library before the whirlwind and explosion threw the library in its own personal bit of anarchy. What an odd thing to think while being hurled at a wall by some sort of explosion. Just as the thought was finishing up I was slammed against the wall behind the counter.
And then there was blackness.
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More to follow? Maybe. As I said before. I have no idea where that was going.

-Chris M.